Monday, August 5, 2013

Part Five: A Finale and Restart

Let us mark this as the practical end of the blog coma! I've got a laptop at long last -- luckily, for free too -- and have got it running mostly smoothly with an alternative operating system called Puppy Linux Precise. There's no more excuse of putting off blogging since I'm free of library computers and their restrictions, now.

Though, there's no plans for full writing commitment yet. These months of absence have made me lose my way, and the lack of contact with the purpose of this blog has made me lost interest in its maintenance and attempt at profitability. Plus, while the laptop may bring about better writing habits, I'm still enduring the trials of a homeless lifestyle, and will, at this pacing, likely be enduring it until let year. Let's wax upon that, for in upcoming posts we'll have to meander to find our way back.

I have to say that becoming voluntarily homeless has been the most interesting and turbulent psychological experience of my life. Lots of ups and downs, and all so many insights into my personal psyches, my needs and stresses, and what makes me fall versus what makes me rise.

I've already mentioned being surprised at how tolerable it is, in all. It's silly to think I used to get so worked up over it when I still had my apartment, fretting terribly about this alternative and then walking straight into it as a hopeful solution for my financial problems. (No rent or utility means most of money can go straight to debts.)

At the same time there's a need to take better care of myself, for my psychology has definitely been evolving over time. At the start of this lifestyle I used to be extremely panicky about what kinds of routines I'd have to set in order to make things work and not be confronted by the police, such as waking up with extreme frequency during the night to scan the surroundings around my car. Then entered a more peaceful mode, where my routines morphed into habits and allowed me to nonchalantly sleep out in the open under the traveling security of some places, sleeping in audaciously while blending it.

Day times, of course, are seamless due to all the air conditioned places I can stay in all day, like the library. Night times are only a minor nuisance considering that I have to rotate my parking so few people notice any patterns, and the annoyance is that some spots I have to wake up super early to escape before people wander around and others I can safely sleep without alarms.

As of late, however, the stress sneaks in. It's been hard being a bright, witty, and helpful person amongst my friends at work as I once was, for the recent grind has made me feel dull and indifferent. The cause of my emotional deflation is to have been surprisingly abandoned by so many friends at random intervals and without reasonable explanation -- or even with any offensive interactions occurring at all. Additionally, my career is a downer since I've been persisting as a dishwasher for so many years without making any headway, and it hits me particularly hard since I take the object of my career very serious as my means to happiness, and I feel betrayed by the industry to have dealt with this much hardship and injustice. Lastly, it's shocking to me that even with the total elimination of rental and utility bills I'll still have to homeless for nearly a year to pay off my debts a satisfying amount, lest I get two jobs or else try my hand at some entrepreneurial venture (and most likely the latter, for two dish washing positions would drive me daffy).

Still, recently on Facebook I have acknowledged, regardless, that my own caving into stress is what brought about my condition by and large, and have dedicated myself to setting public goals and tracking them to get my act together. There may have been plenty of injustices unfair for me to deal with, such as an insecure, drug-abusing boss passively aggressively firing me or bearing my umpteenth demotion, but my own part in my downfall is caving into the stresses they've caused. I've allowed my motivation to drop and not vigorously look for better jobs, to cave into anxiety and spend on chocolate to "medicate" it, and to wander on long walks doing detached contemplation instead of combining thought and action.

Thus, truly, my problems are one part external injustice, and yet mostly a greater part my own reaction and caving in to the frustration of it. Bad bosses, envious coworkers, and so forth have only won insofar that they've scratch the nerve and got me to jolt from it.

If I truly want to resolve this cruddy situation -- to not only pay off my debts, but also be homeless for a far lesser time, advance in my career, and actually enjoy my life -- I've got to focus on restoring the personality characteristics that made me individually successful and strong in the first place, which is what I've allowed to erode all these years.

For a long time now I've reminiscences upon my first year or two right after I dropped out of college, for I had some significant habits and routines which resulted in my most intense, concentrated, and successful time of self-progression. In short order I really pulled myself together from the emotional problems I suffered, became a dedicated and virtuously severe autodidact, built up the willpower to do intense self-improvement, and made near-crystal clear my long-term career goals. I may have not been materialistically successful, but I'd give myself an A- for the psychological and intellectual changes I made to myself. If I restore those routines and habits, I'll restore their infinitely valuable effects, including a craving and increased speed for learn and super likable personality.

I only dropped from that pedestal since I didn't understand the stresses of some external situations I had to deal with at the time, and once I grasped how interfering they were I became focalized on it and began my round of "problem phases," where instead of improving and living myself I'm centering my thoughts and actions on how to solve a particular problem, which really just led to more problems.

For instance, I originally gave up my autodidactism and self-improvement so that I could escape my living situation in Michigan, which resulted in me coming to Texas. Then I focalized on getting out of the dish pit, for I got involved with chefs who flaked out on me after promising help in a job hunt, lied to me about jobs they never intended to give, and so forth. Fast forward, and now I'm in the problem phase of simply remedying financial debts and homelessness.

I've started this new practice called the "Daily Tally" where I vocalize in my head, in response to written questions, how I did in certain aspects of my day. Did I get a wise start. Did I eat well for my mind and budget. Did I socialize and treat others justly. At the end, the purpose is to sum all these together, recollect how I've been doing lately, and project how all of these behaviors will result in the long-run. Will it bring me to success or ruin?

Doing it, I realized I'm simply putting myself on a rollercoasting that gives me temporary success taken away by temporary lapses, resulting in an up-and-down which will simply persist unless I dedicate to consistent remedy. In the long-run, I'll have unstable routines and simply end up like those people I've desperately promised not to become, those who go an entire lifetime hoping for their problems to solve themselves or else for their emotions to get out of their way on their own, and wile away the whole lifespan being unhappy. I don't want to be like that. I proved to myself that I can be ultra-ambitious and so dead-set on self-improvement that I'll work until I get exhausted, headaches, or blurry vision.

If I dig my nails into those behaviors and never let go there's no way I wouldn't be able to obtain personal greatness, to be a giant after doing what a giant does. But I let stress won . . . for now.

Thus, my main focus at the immediate moment is restoring a high-exertion lifestyle. Since my career is going to be intellectual in some form, that means resuming a lot of cognitive routines, from the run-of-the-mill autodidact studying (math, grammar, culinary texts) to cognitive workouts (making myself forgo a calculator, speaking exercises).

Based on my prior experiences, this is the solution to not only healing my emotional problems and bad behaviors resulting, but also to clarify my long-term desires and needs. Being out of touch with the culinary arts by being a dishwasher, getting embroiled in conflicts, and combating stress, I haven't touched my passion enough to maintain it, so my original long-term plans are uninteresting and need to be reformulated. I still feel the spark of love for food, which is why I'm still in the restaurant industry, so I'm simply dropping the idea of becoming a chef-owner of a restaurant for something else. (Food writing? Selling charcuterie and pemmican online?)

High-exertion routines are the way to go. What happened last time is that continuously fighting against my desires, as to not study, made me successfully change the leanings of my desires, so that I preferred studying over taking a daydreamy walk as I once used to.

As an additional effect, I found that all this mental exertion made my emotions way more positive, deeper, richer, and profound. My enjoyment of life reached new heights, and in moving from venture to venture I eventually found one my mind stayed stuck on -- cooking -- and a little while later discovered becoming a chef was ideal for it, and so went that route.

I'm certain enough in the causation to trust the process will lead me  back. I won't worry about clearly defining my long-term goals right now as I view the important thing is to correct my emotions by committing to a high-exertion lifestyle, which will improve my abilities and not only make me feel good about life, but also in a magnificently deep and important way. Beyond that, it's all a matter of trying out ventures until I find the one my mind stays stuck on, and to be consistent so that I keep getting the benefits of such a lifestyle.

For now, I'm uncertain as to what to do with this blog. I'll be back . . . but the post will be slightly wandering and inconsistent until I find my way back.

But I'm back. I intend to bring my past, superior self back to. And to surpass him with a newer, greater self as well.

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