Thursday, July 11, 2013

Part Four of the Bohemian (and Charlie Brown) Homeless Life

Whew, it's been about a full two months of homelessness now! It's really integrated itself into my habits now so as to not be an iota weird or offputting in any form. I'm totally comfortable slipping in parking lots under the nose of security guards and their orange flashing lights, and it's not a nuisance to be using public restrooms all the time. Geez, at this rate I'm almost thinking I might as well push through the winter even if I can pay off my bills and afford an apartment, for if I'm tolerating stuffy nights in a hot car during this intense summer I might as well reward myself with the mild Texas winter.

Yes, great apologies for the still comatose blog and my peek-a-boo entries, but these things go on. My lifestyle habits have changed significantly, and the lack of ready time and access for blogging means blog articles ideas aren't popping into my head anymore.

Unfortunately, unless I get another good job I'm likely to be homeless for quite a while longer. (Don't forget this is voluntary, to efficiently pay of debt.) These past few days have REALLY been Charlie Brown-like. I was actually a paycheck or two away from becoming current with my bills, when yet more car disasters unfolded, again making me miss payments and to expand the promissory note still standing at my automechanic. It was a real gut-punch to the spirit, enough so to make me depressed for a day or two and to suppress my immune system, making me catch a cold and miss out on the well-paying plasma donations for a bit, which is significant income.

While still possible, my original intention was to pay off my debts in November or December -- thus keeping up with the new year's resolution -- and to be done with homeless stuff. (Eating in the car is the most annoying element, especially with dark chocolate.) At this rate, unless I get a good second job, I'll probably have to continue living like this for a couple months or so at the start of 2014. It'll be yet some more paydays until I get current with my debts, and then months after that to actually pay them down. I'm so used to and tolerant of the aspects and trials of this lifestyle that I'm willing to endure it until then.

While mixed, I've made lots of personal progress. I won't evade the fact that I am primarily responsible for my financial problems, for I've had a hard time controlling my emotions in stress these past years (such as my frustration being stuck a dishwasher all these years, which pushed me to walk-out of my good hotel job where, in fact, I was nearly going to advance), so I've spent a lot of time thinking on my sins and trying to fathom how to *hold* onto whatever progress I make.

So far my sense of life has drastically improved. I am far more content and less bothered by my lifestyle, and have been bonding well with coworkers and bosses instead of being the bitter recluse I usually was. It's getting easier to stick to important self-improvement resolutions, and resistance is falling away from doing important things such as studious reading, especially since technological distractions are at a minimum.

Good luck will grant me a free laptop from an acquaintance within a few weeks, so I'm actually quite near to being able to reoccupy my old online social haunts again, and perhaps start a blogging schedule even. However, I've got a lot of rethinking to do on my habits, as being made to focus on books and regularly be deprived of Facebook has definitely bettered my life and mind, so I've got to restructure my habits to protect the "homeless benefits" to maintain my healthier habits. In a sense, I don't want to reintegrate into the social scene as I once did.

The persisting element, however, is haunting memories and bitterness about friendship disappointments. I'm totally fine with little to no monetary help and whatnot, as I became homeless to purposely get myself off charity, but at times I seethe about the lack of attention and moral support from individuals I was really attached to. Becoming homeless and drying up my activity on certain social networks, I feel forgotten about and uncared for. Memories of my old hotel job still burn, for instance, for too many relationships there terminated too fast for it to be justifiable, and I still have a lingering sense of betrayal and abandonment to be cut off from so many people so rapidly. It stirs of feelings of anger and wrath.

Yet, I am learning it's best to keep myself engaged enough so as to not have idle time to not think about it. I've got to master my emotions, after all, to master my problems, for absent that mastery is what caused the bulk of my difficulties. If those people shall choose to depart my life so readily then I ought to oblige in assisting their mental counterparts depart my consciousness, too.

Perhaps my next peek-a-boo entry shall be from a laptop marking my actual return to visibility and blogging, but the end of this sentence, for a small bit, brings about the coma again.

1 comment:

  1. Don't be so hard on yourself about walking away from those jobs. Ever hear this story?


    Diogenes was knee deep in a stream washing vegetables. Coming up to him, Plato said, "My good Diogenes, if you knew how to pay court to kings, you wouldn't have to wash vegetables."

    "And," replied Diogenes, "If you knew how to wash vegetables, you wouldn't have to pay court to kings."


    Don't put up with anything you don't want to put up with.


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