Saturday, April 6, 2013

More of the Author's Whereabouts, and Shifting Winds Continued

Hey! I'm still around these parts. My writing habits have dissolved, but neither have my problems as of late. Overall, it remains frustrating to me that approximately a quarter of my 2013 has been spent in this unstable condition, distracting my focus from higher goals just to take care of the basics.

Someday . . . oh someday I promise! . . . I shall return as your regular provider of words, and we shan't be talking about these issues anymore! Yet, for now, the article ideas are continuing to simmer and reduce on the back burner while I tend to other matters, and for now I leave you with yet another update.

It's disappointing, but as of now there still seems to be no definitive end to my difficulties as of present. I really had hoped to be in a new apartment by now and over these big frights, but now it's looking like it may be yet another month until that point is reached, and until then I remain intellectually distracted. People have been very, very good to me -- the people who donated charity, the patient landlord, the polite collectors -- and I feel like a louse to have accepted all this help since I haven't been able to so quickly repay it. I never imagined my life would take the turn of those who report hiding in their room from knocking and demanding landlords, calling for the late rent payment, minus the knocking on my part.

At this point, however, it still remains a matter of time. With my two jobs my income remains far better, and with my new place gradually recognizing my productive worth the hours are steadily increasing. However, the confounding factor is that there remains some scheduling conflicts between the new place and the other job, which prevents me from immediately taking advantage of the higher wages, much to my setback.

Mentally, I've been very strange lately. I don't know why, but all of the sudden I've become more anxious than usual and prone to panic attacks even, along with odd swings to optimism about how I can take care of myself in this condition. Perhaps it's an isolated point of frustration in how my plans have gone awry, and how I feel I've let my helpers down. Meditation has been failing to soothe those moments, and damn Texas climate for making it so hard to take quick ice baths, a great therapeutic comfort.

At this point, homelessness continues to be a worry. While I haven't made arrangements, I can't figure out at this time how I'll be able to transition from this apartment to the next without being homeless for at least two weeks. The late fees incurred at my current apartment are going to gobble up the majority, if not all, of my massive deposit, and -- if I don't get evicted -- I don't see how I'll have the money for rent plus another deposit for the new place, no matter how much cheaper. Though, admittedly, I've been doing much procrastination on actually crunching the financial numbers to be justified in making such a prediction. It's one of those things that could go better than expected.

But even if that does happen, it's not like I'll starve and freeze in this kind of city and climate. This is an area where I definitely need to shift my thinking habits towards that of a man capable of changing and taking care of himself. It's where I allow anxiety to exists that throws my behavior so awry in what is an otherwise tolerable situation.

Oh, won't it be bliss to be in a new apartment with lower rent, having paid off my donors and collected debts, and to once again spend time with you? However harsh, I still find myself appreciative of what a massively helpful learning experience this is all been. My foolishness cost me my hotel job in December due to my own irrational resentment, and now I find myself far more emotionally tolerant to dish-washing positions in having understood just what a hefty role one's attitude plays in getting ahead. Yes, I myself have committed the Vegeta Mistake, and paid for it.

No, it is not desirable, of course, for everyone to go through such painful experiences to learn, but if you're in one you better learn quick and keep clean from then on! And, ah yes, in this free society, be wise and learn from other people's mistakes so that you don't have to commit them yourself.

Beyond these troubles, I continue to be surprised as to how my psychology seems to be changing in terms of my long-range goals. For so many years now it seems that I've wanted to become a chef, but, while certain culinary aspects remained, my daydreams have been changing. Nowadays I visualize myself in a cabin in the mountains -- perhaps in Colorado -- deep into a rural area with lush vegetation surrounding, much of it my own decorative and food horticulture, with me inside the house, twisting sausages in my chutcuterie practices and plenty of PEMMICAN in the cupboard.

Self-employment is becoming more and more appetizing because I'd like the endless time to tend to self-improvement and alone time for recharging, and to get the direct feedback and rewards from costumers themselves without a boss intermediary. Plus, there's that other fantasy of getting trapped in the cabin by snow, it being a peaceful situation since self-employment means no set schedule to be anywhere, and there's all that chucuterie and pemmican to live off of don't forget.

As for the actual self-employment aspect, writing seems to be the key. It's amazing I've gone all these years discounting writing, but it seems I'm making a full-circle back to that consideration. I enjoy it, have been doing it regularly for nearly a decade now, want to get better, and intend it to be a part of my profession even if it isn't directly writing itself. As to what to write about exactly remains a further consideration.

First, of course, I've got to get myself out of the crap I'm in or else those lofty fantasies will remain lofty fantasies. In the immediate term, my goals shall be to get out of this darned expensive apartment into a darn cheaper one, pay off my gracious donors, pay off my overdue debts, and then, most likely, quit one of my jobs so that I can live off basic survival pay while I spend increased free-time in cultivating my self-employment.

To keep myself mentally straight I've got to work far harder, definitely, on habituating better thinking patterns and giving myself something always to concentrate on, otherwise the distractions of anxiety and being aware of my problems throws off near-totally my efforts to heal the situation. Distancing yourself from your problems mentally is the key to healthy focus on constructive remedies.

Once this is all over -- unless I can reestablish a practice in the meantime -- blogging remains sporadic. 'Ve got to tend to the dangers, first.

Sorry, once again.

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