Monday, April 15, 2013

Leaning On What's Always There, Your Own Power

Some off the cuff thoughts on power, personal power. These are the times that try me, and last night I've had some particular thoughts on how I'm maintaining my own individual power.

As much as I wish things would get better, wishing doesn't make it so. My car has an interesting penchant of developing significant mechanical problems at the worst time problem – a very precise correlation – and now it's developed a coolant problem that prevents me from even driving to the plasma donation place. Luckily I can walk to my highest paying job, but in examining a turbulent schedule, I've quickly learned how risky it is to depend on other people, as my hours appear to be on a roller coaster. Plus, I can't even get to my second job right now.

The most difficult element, honestly, is not the problems themselves, but the utter loneliness in them. It reminds me of when I first left my hotel job back in December of last year: It was excruciatingly painful, and the center point of that pain was that I lost a dozen or more friendships in one fell swoop. I had no committed a huge injustice to be exactly deserving of that, but to receive it anyways was an incredible shock, and it feels like losing in that game of trust where you're supposed to fall back into somebody's arms, to instead land on a bed of little rocks. No serious injuries, but a big shock when you aren't prepared for it.

I do not exempt myself from morally judging myself, and do not consider these external circumstances happening outside of my power. Some of it is poor luck, perhaps, but in scrutinizing myself I see my own hand – lack of hand, precisely – in letting the weeds grow. In getting such a painful shock I've been doing an awful lot of waiting for other people. Not necessarily to cure my problems for me, but at least to offer some encouragement. That's the biggest spiritual hunger: To at least to recognized as a value, and to be given a pat on the back.

Yet, that it fruitless waiting too. Secondary shocks come in detailing the risks of my impending homelessness, only to be greeted by silence on that count too. The silence of friends is stunning.

Now in my next Robert Greene book, The 50th Law, the pages are giving me a good chastising and wake-up call. You've got to learn how to rely upon yourself. There's lots of good people out there, but 99% of what you get in life is due to your own powers, and if you wait for someone to value and say they love you, to reward you with money, give you a cure for your problems, or whatever, you're going to be waiting forever.

I see now that my crowning virtue is childhood was my immense desire to depend on myself. Due to neglect I had to teach myself all the major life skills, from cooking to cleaning, from driving a car to paying bills. Whenever I sought advice I was either given extremely poor words or else ignored, and regularly had to deal with people begging me to change course even when my decisions were almost self-evidently good. (Such as when I changed my diet, which, while people accused me of being anorexic and prone to disease, transformed my health and kept it that way for almost five years now.)

Every major leap forward I made in life was due to my depending on my own powers and refusing to wait for anyone to nudge me or give me the proper guidance. Sheesh, I couldn't even someone how to tie a tie: The people would struggle in a group to do it, actually refusing to show me how, and would ask me to just put over my head what they accomplished, and in the end I found I knew way more than they did. Choosing my own education, diet, exercise, goals, and indefinitely on is always what gave me the good in life, and there was nobody to hold my hand there.

And yet so suddenly am I waiting here for that hand-holding to relieve the discomfort. Benjamin, the contradiction!

Nobody is going to save me but me. Help is there, but there's no cure except inside of my freewill. Nobody is going to value me for my suffering; instead, what good achievements and happiness I have to show them. Nobody is going to construct my life except for me.

It's always an unpleasant surprise to find how few people you can depend on for any psychological means, but to understand this as a rule in life pushes you much quicker towards self-reliance. People can add great values to your life, but one has to know which values are possible under which conditions, and things like rational guidance are rare while things like showing concern and giving loving attention need a price to be paid beforehand, the price of your effort to make yourself a worthwhile human-being.

It was just by looking at my work schedule did I in an instance realize how much I'm depending on other people. Such a dependence has definitely not worked for me so far, evident in my still being a dish washer despite all these years of work in the restaurant industry, and the continued poverty. So long as this dependence continues I'm going to continue leaving fate in other people's hands, letting my hard work get recognized and rewarded by chance, dependence on a person's mind I cannot read and whose rationality shall take a long time to understand, if it ever be possible to know (or if it's even present).

While not necessarily backs by increased motivation or a new spark of emotion, my intellectual winds again shift towards thoughts of self-employment. I keep telling myself I've got to wait for this to happen and that condition to arise, and then I can work on it in earnest. But how long does this type of waiting keep going? Last year I made the new years' resolution to pay off my debt and succeeded at increasing in, in part of delaying frugality through that “one more” luxury chocolate bar. I promised to begin investing too, and yet the rainy day savings I accumulated went no where except to my self-wrought emergencies, more luxury chocolate bars, and car troubles. I shouldn't feel at all stressed at the world's troubles in light of the fact I am my own obstacle, and most of us probably are. Everyone getting out of their own way could be a single factor to save the world.

Discipline, discipline, discipline. No, not “just one more bar.” Skip the few-minutes check of an internet profile: You attract people's attention, but the relationships are intangible until a meeting is arranged; the hours are better spent in projects and books, enriching the character for future loving relationships. And all those fun distractions match no where near the pleasure of an authentic personal achievement.

I ought to go into “saving my own life” mode. If I intend to make a living off writing, shouldn't I not be tackling it with urgency now? If I don't have the discipline to that goal seriously, then I may not have any discipline to spill over in my current income-generating job, meaning the day of financial stability, the day “when” I can write, will be a fantasy. If I kick my own ass to tackle goals at home like an emergency, then that should instill a success mindset for work. Concentrating on your goals is interesting: You get into a sense of Flow that makes you feel like your time is always short, at all times, no matter what, and my what it does to your working speed and efforts to feel like the sand is almost running out!

I certainly cannot quit either of my jobs now, but if I strove to act like I was going to next week, perhaps the urgency will cause me to rise up in a way, making it happen many months sooner? The sooner to be free of depending on others the better, and this ought to be the infinitely tantalizing carrot on a stick.

A second thought deeply related to the issue of self-reliance is empowering other people, too. I may not speak politics here, but to bring it up, I find my continually disappointed, with uncommon exceptions, at other people's efforts to better the culture and world. They complain about the negatives and things to lose, seldom empowering and motivating people to actually pursue the positive. The picture thus gets blacker and blacker, and no matter how aware people are of need for the positive, the very poor leadership seldom urges people to add color. To lift themselves up in a can-do fashion and attack life with a will-do attitude. Though, I am at fault too, for detailing and detailing in such great detail all my frustrations and thoughts upon this matter of leadership, and yet I keep silent upon it. I'll be one to talk one I commence kicking my own ass.

The theme of this blog, of course, is reaching your best. Your absolute best. Every iota of it. I've got to set a fire to myself and get going, and perhaps these events would be excellent fodder to contemplate in stretching the theme a little: Not only how to become your best, but also influence the world in the best manner possible, to lead to the best culture possible, one that gives the great opportunity and freedom of everyone's self-realization, with no tolerance and little sympathy to those who hold themselves back.

What shall I do? Well, I'm going to immerse myself. I've got to spend so much time on my goals that it's all I can think about and act towards. At the peak of my passion for autodidactism I would rise promptly out of bed in the morning, get cleaned and dressed (or not), and move right into study asap. A carbon copy of the mindset is needed, to get me to rise and tackle goals first thing without other temptations.

Once I get goal-obsessed again, so will the youthful fire return that drives me like a demon to hunt for more and more ways to rely upon myself. Getting yourself in the mode where all you want to do are things that contribute to your long-term well-being is an undefeatable state, where people of lesser energy will wilt or bend to your passion, unable to raise their motivation to stop, dissuade, or make you compromise in face of your great passion.

External circumstances in the world – foreign policy, money, politics, etc. – are the toughie, but are far more malleable to your liking when you transform your character properly. When we're weaker to the dark premises within ourselves is when we find it too difficult to oppose the environment other people make us. When we make ourselves heroic-minded, the environment has a tougher time opposing us.

I shall be self-employed. I shall have that house tucked away in a rural area, slightly secluded, surrounded by my horticulture and botanicals, with charcuterie stuffed in the cupboards. I shall have the greatest fitness possible to me, muscles of iron, disciplined regiments, and utter functionality. Most of all, I shall have a voracious intellect that is simply unsatisfied with any level of growth, always with this severe anxiousness to keep moving ahead no matter what level is reached, a platinum mind.

Now that I've declared it publicly, I'm obligated to make it so. It is never too late to make a turning-point in your life, even in the midday.

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