Thursday, March 28, 2013

Life Update: A Turn of Fortune(?) and Finally, Timing

Much apology to all of you. Despite my craving for writing going up as of late my attention has been scattered here and there.

Oddly, I have to say that I may actually be coming full circle with writing again, though I'm hesitant to muse aloud on it. Years ago I abandoned the idea of becoming a professional writer; now I may be reconsidering it, especially after discovering Don Watkins' blog Good Copy Coaching. But more on that below.

Anyhow, my situation remains rough financially, but things may actually be turning around for once, and hopefully for the long-term this time. After a bit of lagging that one restaurant finally hired me back, starting tomorrow, which will finally get me back at the status of two jobs. After that, I should be financially stable in a short matter of time, though it unnerves me to bother punching figures into a calculator, especially with unpredictable elements at play (which won't be mentioned here).

However, I have to say that I still remained baffled as to how I can possibly move out of my apartment without being homeless temporarily. The office persons are being kind enough to try and get me out of here early so that the skyrocketed rent won't punish me further, but even if that occurs I may not have sufficient funds to move into my current, ideal prospect. Hopefully I can work something out with that prospect in that event; I daren't ask for any more money at this point. I maintained my level of shame for being on the receiving end of charity and grow more pained the nicer people have been to me; all I want to do is quell my anxiety and get back into repayment mode already.

Beyond that, I've really been contemplating my own personal recipe for optimal performance. It surprises me to think that, even though I'm with myself all the time, it takes a tremendously long time to understand oneself. It's still unfolding to me layer by layer as to how I tick and operate, and wish I had this knowledge at a younger age for all that I've had to suffer to obtain it. Hopefully . . . just within short weeks . . . I can start enjoying things like The State of Complete Vigor and easy strenuous living.

Step by step, my current goals are to get into an apartment, pay off all my late debts, and get a laptop, at long last. (I work far better in environments outside the home.) Then ahhhhhh. Finally the cloud of doom dissipates!

Beyond that, my lofty goal is to begin making headway towards self-employment, again. As I continue to turn the prospect over in my head it ceases to lose its appeal; while I love the restaurant industry, I think I'd love more being location independent, being able to roam different climes while making a living by some technological means . . . such as writing. I don't know what spark brought writing back into my mind all of the sudden, but it is coming back.

Though, part of my desire, admittedly, is frustration. All these years of work in the restaurant industry and I still reside as a dishwasher? Really? The continuing injustice has eroded my patience to keep going in this direction when the feedback is so continuously negative.

Though.

I've got to keep my attitude straight and wash dishes (like a man, as they say).

It still haunts my mind on occasion that I lost that hotel job back in December of last year (which is why things have been so financially turbulent these past months). I still consider it the best job I've ever had with the best people I ever worked with, and its on my conscious to be at fault for wrecking my own opportunity like that. Out of grief and continuing desire I tried calling the chef to see if he'd be willing to let me in, but he dismissed the contact, so the consequences remain permanent.

At the same time I'm partially thankful for the suffering in that I've had to go forth and examine fiercely what went wrong within myself, so much so that know I think I may have a hang of any maladies and am creeping closer to optimal performance, as mentioned above.

But could it still be too often of men to have to learn their lessons through their worst suffering? I kick myself for having to be the kid to touch the hot stove to know better. Moving on, regardless.

Self-employment appeals to me not only because of its potential for location independence, but also for unleashing the lion's share of my hours from institutions, to be reinvested in endless and ruthless self-improvement, and to increase my chances of lasting success by freeing me from bosses who would stand between me and the customer. All that freedom . . . and all that dependence on your own potential, reality fully the arbitrer or rewards and not bosses above.

It'll take some time to get going, as I'll certainly have to work on the ventures while employed at restaurants, but 'tis all doable.

I'm frightened to give an estimate, but perhaps by mid-April all these unwelcome troubles will be over, and finally I'll be able to more fully dedicate myself here. Some ideas are brewing already, frustratingly unattended to.

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