Thursday, February 7, 2013

Successes, Questions, Ponderings, Etc.

This blog has faltered, hasn't it? Well, some big things have been happening in my life, and the lack of routine has actually done some good for me, as focusing only on what's before me has sharpen up my faculties quite well.

The big news: Not only have I secured two jobs, but I'm also a cook in training as well! If you know my past difficulties, it's taken almost three years to reach this step. Up until then I've practically been stuck as a dishwasher, either unable to take advantage of opportunities or else passed up for them since I'm too valuable as a dishwasher, bosses determine. It makes it odd to reflect on my past misery in losing my dish washing position at a high-end hotel: I thought that meant starting over on the ladder again, and yet here I made the leap.

Mentally, however, it's kind of a flip-flop. I have to admit that I'm only gradually growing more enthused about my cooking job -- originally being numb at its reception -- because my month of unemployment has done severe financial damage, including to my credit rating. I live in an economically robust area, but that damn accent of mine probably sabotages a lot of opportunities for me. I've got to learn to concentrate only on what's important, not the accumulated problems, in order to actually get ahead, though it still stresses me out to think I'm spending a lot of time playing money catch-up before I can reach neutral and move forward.

At the very least, my bitterness of my last job is gently washing away. The most painful element was not the actual loss persay, but that a dramatic amount of people decided to sever contact with me all at once. I had lots of friends at that people, and without any prior conflict it was astounding to me that so many people decided they didn't want to keep contact me with outside of that place, in just one fell swoop. It was incredibly painful . . . but hey, I've got other goals to pursue.

At the same time, I'm reexamining my life and true desires. In fact, I may want to begin moving away from restaurants in order to exploit some other part of the food industry, like online food sales or the like (such as pemmican). It's taken so many years and preposterous struggle to get to the point I wonder if I even desire it anymore, and if my interests haven't shifted. There still remains the possibility of rebuilding passion, however, but we'll see.

There's all sorts of little things that making me rethink my life. My cooking job is primarily in the morning, and I've forgotten how much I like having nights to myself. Sure, that means having a bedtime and set wake-up, but it's nice to know you've got your work done and you can do other things, rather than the other way around where you play in the morning, then go to work, and feel obligated to go straight to bed upon getting home. The pleasure in my second job is that it closes so early in the night it still feels like I've got a life to live, in contrast to my hotel job that had me getting home at 1AM on a regular basis with a forty hour commute.

I guess you could say I'm trying to say I value sleep; not for it's minor convenience of making me feel good, but rather for establishing my fullest mental powers. One of my highest values hands-down is the strongest mind I can possibly cultivate, and since sleep is important to the brain it would make sense I'd prefer a lifestyle addled with adequate rest, no? The hustle and bustle of the restaurant industry can run you down against your wishes in that regard.

I don't know. There's so many confounding factors. Food is the constant, but from what perspective? I really enjoy my alone time and would enjoy running an online service . . . but then again I enjoy talking to and influencing people too, so can these values be meshed together or must a higher one be picked at the other's expense? And ah! These are all so vague!

It looks like I need to do some more strenuous living to find that one thing that occupies my mind and drives me madly towards it like a metal shaving to a magnet. Plenty of interests and enjoyment of the here and now, but no core force.

For the most part, I'm actually enjoying the kind of disorganization in my lifestyle as of present, for not having time for certain things has made it shockingly apparent of how little a value it was to begin with. For instance, it used to be a practical OCD tendency of mine to clear out my Google Reader of its intellectual articles each day in fear that all those articles were necessary to my fullest development, and that I needed to read them lest my life be incomplete. Now with little time to even turn on my computer I find I don't miss them, and the perspective has become apparent that they didn't benefit me much to begin with, for all that fast reading meant little stuck in the end. My life needs to be more essentialized.

As to what that essentialization will amount to, however, I fret to think about in fear of overcomplicating it. Though I shall, if I'm ever to become the fullest human-being possible to myself.

I'll have to admit this blog may be semi-dead for the moment. Embarassing, yes, to rush out with this ambitious writing adventure only to quit it a few weeks in, but beyond this text is another life to live, so unless a balance can be struck I still have to focus on other aspects of life, to get it down to those bare essentials that deserve my 100%. Maybe it might do well to focus on my own personal life and self-development for awhile on here? After all, I am into self-improvement, so even a extended series of personal examinations wouldn't be off topic.

Whatever the case, the point of life right now is working and, unfortunately, catching up with money woes, but maybe in this rush to survive a new idea will occur, steadying me and then some.

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