Tuesday, February 26, 2013

State of My Being: Surviving

First and first most, my blogging remains sporadic simply because my apartment is a poor place to be productive. Having no separate rooms, way too many conflicting cues get tied into the environment, so I cannot concentrate as well here as I can at the library or bookstore, so I've been trying to spend way more time there instead since my productivity skyrockets there. This blog is going to remain semi-comatose until I can afford a laptop, which will get me away from all these cues.

Financially, these are still some rocky times, but I'm surviving it. The gracious charity of many have really helped me out, and I feel ashamed to be in such a lowly condition. There a great mix in emotion as to how I can deal with the situation, as in my better moments I feel utterly competent to smash any obstacle, while in others things such as Factor X get me down and out, disappointed that so many people react so strongly to traits I can't perceive. The latter makes it hard to conduct a job search thinking potential employers are secretly seething with rage at things they can't even identify.

Optimally, what I'd really like to be doing is working at a Starbucks, which I think would be great at developing some better people skills, and working harder at becoming self-employed. If successful at being self-employed, I think I'd be able to work a lot harder and longer on my deeper values, as I've simply gotten nowhere struggling in the culinary industry for three years as of far.

Actually, I might have a potential dish washing position available. Surprising, from that restaurant I just got fired from. It would eliminate my commute and increase my income, but I can't bring myself to jump on it just yet, as I'd be getting out at horrible hours, and, natch, be entering my third year as a dish washer. What I was gung ho about in first starting out I am now revolted by. I've got brains more fit for other things, and it's sad to people like me are more robust in the dish pit than the rest of the lousy lot, lending itself to the trap.

I know I "should" take it, but it's leading to a lot of internal conflict. I'd really just like to do something different for once, something more mind-oriented, instead of spinning my tires once again at a dead-end position for a sustenance paycheck. At the very least, I'm just taking my time entertaining the idea, as they've already given me sufficient evidence they have a hard time holding onto dish washers, so the opportunity isn't going anywhere any time soon, and even if it does it'll probably pop right back up again.

Not sure what to say or do from here. More thinking must be done; time goes on.

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