Thursday, February 21, 2013

Eyebrow Wiggling and Hurting Feelings

After since Factor X came back into my mind I've been stewing in a mild state of anger these past few days, for which I haven't been able to find a relieving spout for the steam. It frustrates me that a large portion of my life has been damaged and held back by a trait that's by and large invisible to me and which has never been communicated to me openly by a human being, and yet stirs people into a tizzy so that I find it hard to find jobs, raise my income, and otherwise live a life according to my merit. People place ridiculous stock in how things appear and it's very destructive, and it's infuriating that one little habit can do one in so harshly, totally out of your awareness.

Nonetheless, Factor X's nature is knowable and possible to cure, so the best thing is not to dwell on lost history and instead focus on moving forward. Effective treatment ought to lead to more than enough rewards to make up for it . . . if exercised properly.

Still yet, it's hard to give a concise summary of what exactly Factor X is since people react so differently to it. On one hand, a lot of woman have flirted with me seemingly over it, so some people love it. On the other hand, some people just randomly lash out at me at times, which makes it hard to figure what in hell provoked them. On the other, other hand, some people don't reacted until precisely when I have spoken to them, making evidence point to my voice, possibly my "accent" caused by my hearing-impairment. Factor X is by and large invisible to my friends since the attribute doesn't agitate them, and, of course, my enemies aren't willing to be nice to me. Bah.

But theoretically, after getting some input, the main features may be my voice and facial expressions. While I do intend to initiate some vocalizing practices to alter my voicing habits, I'm going to omit lengthy discussion of it since that, I would say, is an unreasonable thing for people to react negatively against since it's something I largely cannot help. It's your problem, buddy, if you're offended at some musical quality. Deal with it.

Though, my face may play the largest roles. I am extremely introverted. Due to bullies I've spent the majority of my childhood alone, and combined with more intellectually intensive interests than that of my peers I've developed some very contemplative habits, meaning I "live in my head" a lot, though that's not to say I'm aloof or anything; I just think a lot.

Due to my extensive contemplation I may be overlooking what kind of faces and body mannerisms they're resulting in, so while I'm just innocently chewing on some thought it may be leading to an "intense" facial expression which the other people are misinterpreting as anger or standoffishness, which they react to negatively with hostility. Since I'm busy contemplating my thoughts and believing I'm acting decently -- which I am -- the hostile mannerisms come off as a total bolt from the blue.

It makes sense: By and large I refrain from smiling since I find it awkward to do in conjunction with talking, since I've never practiced it. Additionally, I've been told before I have a "serial killer" smile, which makes me refrain more. In addition to that addition, I've dealt with countless people who made a regular practice of faking positive emotions in order to be intimidating, dishonest, manipulative, and overall contemptible, so I've habituated those kinds of manners as attempting lying and manipulation, and try to avoid them accordingly. I move my face to express my actual emotions; not to pretend I'm feeling something I'm not.

The frustrating thing is that absolutely no human being has ever stated to me that I look unfriendly, angry, depressed, or anything to them. They just reach a certain conclusion and automatically begin acting on it, which leaves the appearance of their nature to me as totally chaotic, unpredictable, and divorced from the situation. A simple sentence starting with "You look . . . " would have brought my awareness to my mannerisms, but no: They're snapping and swearing immediately.

Given my awareness NOW, I will, at least, try to make an effort to shift my eyebrows to make a gentler facial expression. Unless or until I can gain confidence that I can smile nicely and in conjunction with speaking I'd rather "smile with my eyes," as that's an easier mental task, and I'd rather not give people the impression I'm a maniac out of a goofy attempt to show off some teeth.

However, beyond that I'm going to start training myself to simply and contextually disregard another person's feelings, grant them no significant, and act as if they had not responded at all.

Though, I don't mean to be a terrible person uncaring of feelings. Rather, I mean that if I have exercised the best of my judgment to act in ways I honestly think is the appropriate way to act in that context, and that I am acting in accordance to the evidence another person has given on how they want to be treated, then I have nothing to apologize for if they react negatively. In that scenario we'll have to communicate the source of their upset and reach and agreement, and if they won't do that then they're the ones out of line and acting irrationally.

The change in practice this will concretely amount to is that I'll try not to shirk communication when I get into this moments. Usually when someone snaps at me I'll leave them be, assuming they're in a bad mood or something. By withdrawing from contact I withdraw also my influence, and in the professional context that gets me behind in networking, making myself known, and getting my ideas out there. What I should do instead is continue on and grant no significant to this person's outburst, keeping steadfast in my behavior and keep saying what I'm saying. If the situation is right we'll discuss the error in communication, but otherwise I'll simply disregard it. If people aren't going to be open about what they're interpreting or how they want to be treated, then I can do nothing; there is no way to read minds.

In summary, a large part of dealing with Factor X may be attempting to cop a gentler expression and being more explicit with people about my contemplative nature so that they understand why I act the way I act, but otherwise I'm going to work on desensitizing myself to other people's emotions -- contextually -- because there's nothing to be sorry for if I've acted with my best judgment.

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