Tuesday, February 26, 2013

State of My Being: Surviving

First and first most, my blogging remains sporadic simply because my apartment is a poor place to be productive. Having no separate rooms, way too many conflicting cues get tied into the environment, so I cannot concentrate as well here as I can at the library or bookstore, so I've been trying to spend way more time there instead since my productivity skyrockets there. This blog is going to remain semi-comatose until I can afford a laptop, which will get me away from all these cues.

Financially, these are still some rocky times, but I'm surviving it. The gracious charity of many have really helped me out, and I feel ashamed to be in such a lowly condition. There a great mix in emotion as to how I can deal with the situation, as in my better moments I feel utterly competent to smash any obstacle, while in others things such as Factor X get me down and out, disappointed that so many people react so strongly to traits I can't perceive. The latter makes it hard to conduct a job search thinking potential employers are secretly seething with rage at things they can't even identify.

Optimally, what I'd really like to be doing is working at a Starbucks, which I think would be great at developing some better people skills, and working harder at becoming self-employed. If successful at being self-employed, I think I'd be able to work a lot harder and longer on my deeper values, as I've simply gotten nowhere struggling in the culinary industry for three years as of far.

Actually, I might have a potential dish washing position available. Surprising, from that restaurant I just got fired from. It would eliminate my commute and increase my income, but I can't bring myself to jump on it just yet, as I'd be getting out at horrible hours, and, natch, be entering my third year as a dish washer. What I was gung ho about in first starting out I am now revolted by. I've got brains more fit for other things, and it's sad to people like me are more robust in the dish pit than the rest of the lousy lot, lending itself to the trap.

I know I "should" take it, but it's leading to a lot of internal conflict. I'd really just like to do something different for once, something more mind-oriented, instead of spinning my tires once again at a dead-end position for a sustenance paycheck. At the very least, I'm just taking my time entertaining the idea, as they've already given me sufficient evidence they have a hard time holding onto dish washers, so the opportunity isn't going anywhere any time soon, and even if it does it'll probably pop right back up again.

Not sure what to say or do from here. More thinking must be done; time goes on.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Becoming More Assertive: Progress

As detailed a bit ago, one of my side-objectives right now is to practice becoming more assertive. I think that a large portion of my lack of career success is the result of my not being assertive enough in asking for what I deserve, so I've let people do me over because I've naively trusted them to reward me eventually . . . which doesn't happen.

Ever since I've identified the mental state I called The State of Complete Vigor I've been really keen on watching what factors are present/absent when I achieve certain results in my life. It's really an empowering tool since it's enabling much more control over some really desirable things, such as the Vigor wherein I make my mind operate at 120 mph: Keep track of the factors, and you can initiate and sustain it at will.

I've been applying that kind of searching awareness to my assertiveness practice and have been making some decent headway. For one and for the most part, "disregarding" people's feelings has been an immense help in making me stand up for myself, as my influence upon a person remains constant and present when I don't flinch and shy away when a tantrum occurs, which unfortunately happens often in a multitude of degrees.

Coping Like James Bond

Oh a time of stress. Maintaining a sense of my own ability to care for myself is making me more robust against my tough times, but it still wears me out, at points.

How frustrating it can be to struggle in the restaurant industry for several years and still be a dishwasher by and large. Or to have envious people coming into your personal space to try every tactic to get you to snap, and act like victims once you do rebel against them. Or to be near bankruptcy when you know your mind has a greater economic worth than has been paid out, hindered by a "Factor X" which people emotionally and irrationally act out against. It gets to me, sometimes, to think that I'm not living as I want to, and have been dedicating far more time to physical labor than in cultivating a more intellectual-oriented life as I'd want to.

Though, I write not to whine, but to say things press on. There are solutions, even if it has taken me years of hardship to learn of the factors in play, such as the several years it took for me to realize there even was a "Factor X" within me to begin with.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Eyebrow Wiggling and Hurting Feelings

After since Factor X came back into my mind I've been stewing in a mild state of anger these past few days, for which I haven't been able to find a relieving spout for the steam. It frustrates me that a large portion of my life has been damaged and held back by a trait that's by and large invisible to me and which has never been communicated to me openly by a human being, and yet stirs people into a tizzy so that I find it hard to find jobs, raise my income, and otherwise live a life according to my merit. People place ridiculous stock in how things appear and it's very destructive, and it's infuriating that one little habit can do one in so harshly, totally out of your awareness.

Nonetheless, Factor X's nature is knowable and possible to cure, so the best thing is not to dwell on lost history and instead focus on moving forward. Effective treatment ought to lead to more than enough rewards to make up for it . . . if exercised properly.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Welcome Back to Mind, Factor X!

Ah yes, I'm steaming about Factor X again, that imprecisely defined trait that seems destined to have a large impact on my life, for the bad, without my volunteering. I've been really working on my concentration as of late and trying to reobtain The State of Complete Vigor, but for some odd reason when I break from my books I find my brain heats up in irritation to revisit memories of people reacting negatively to Factor X, motivating me to rehearse speaking some sense into them.

To quickly resummarize, I think that Factor X is an accent I have. My hearing-impairment changes the way I interpret phonetic sounds, and my speech as a corollary. The evidence in my assumption is that people don't treat me with these negative manners *until* the sound of my voice reaches them, and due to the precise alignment of a polite sentence I utter and their emotional unraveling I conclude it is my voice.

While I can train my speech patterns I can only go so far, as I'm literally deaf to certain sounds most other people can hear, which leaves me to guess at the "right way" to speak to a certain extent. Even though to my ears I speak like all the rest, people still ask me where I'm "from," meaning what country.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Thanks All. I'm Safe.

Thanks to the gracious charity of people, I have reach my financial goal and am now secure for rent and utilities. As such, I will no longer be accepting further donations.

I hate being in the position where I borrow like this, but, with the right learning and dedication to go up, it but only has to be a one-time hardship in my life. I hope. Bah, I hate this period in my life.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Current Obsession: Concentration

Writing off the cuff. Things are still a bit nervous right now -- M.W. graciously donated $50 to help me out, but I'm still coming up about $150 short, so the search goes on. Still, however, I shall make time for something I've been putting off.

My greatest intellectual obsession these past few months has been with the simple subject of concentration. Concentration: The ability to focus and maintain heightened attention on a particular thing or set of things. With my experiences with fantastic concentration I am utterly shocked at how essential it is to well-being in life, and equally shocked that so many others fail to realize this, giving minor advice or else not paying much mind to it.

In truth, I think concentration is absolutely necessary for mental health. It's not going to compose all of it, but it is fundamentally necessary. People may tend to think of concentration as something you employ only when doing homework, taxes, or driving, and otherwise you don't need it very much in life, but I argue that you need it in EVERY area in life, if you're ever to be a truly effective human being. Speaking in Star War terms, the difference between having poor and excellent concentration, in considering the effectiveness of the mind, is the difference between having a flash light and a light saber.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Help, If Willing

Welp, this may seem totally violate of my blog rules, but I need some help, as I'm in rather a financial emergency.

Due to my unfortunate stint with month-long unemployment I have fallen behind on some important bills, and risk being evicted from my apartment on Friday, February 22nd, and having my utilities shut off. With the last paycheck from the job I just got fired from, the pay from my current job, and the sums from donating blood plasma, I'm still coming up about $200 short. The office lady -- I technically don't have a landlord -- has delayed the cost as much as she can, so I don't think I can delay it any further. If evicted, I'll be living out of my car and depending on the library for internet, for awhile. There's nowhere else to go.

As such, if anybody would be willing to do so, I'll greatly appreciate a donation to my Paypal account so that I can meet these expenses, and continue having a place to live so I can self-improve, improve, and improve so that I won't ever meet this situation again, and, in fact, be able to donate to others.

If you contribute, please leave me your full contact information so that I can document it for later and prompt-as-possible payback, for I'll consider this all loans. I'll also make an e-mail list so that news of my condition will be constantly distributed, to let know how I'm doing and how close I'm getting to repaying everything. People will be paid back in accordance to largest contribution first, and any contributions that exceed my actual needs will be promptly returned and not accepted.

As for what I've done so far, I've applied for and been accepted for Food Stamps, and applied for unemployment benefits, which I haven't received news on yet. I've contacted some representatives at Modest Needs and am waiting for a message back, as well as some news from Amazon Associates on whether they'd be willing to pay my unpaid advertising fees earlier.

Unfortunately, I am not applicable for TANF since I don't have children, and Google Ads will only give me my advertising fees if I permanently cancel my account, and will send them only ninety days after, not quick enough. I've contacted St. Vincent DePaul and found out that my particular branch is paid out, and the local Salvation Army is too. There's still some other charities I need to contact, still, however, and I've got to check out something called Mechanical Turk, though I don't think it'll meet my most immediate needs.

On Monday I'll revisit the office lady most intimate with my situation to see if they're willing to eat the deposit -- which is rather large -- to meet the expense, and if they do that'll meet all my needs and I'll promptly return all contributions, though it's uncertain they'll be willing to do that.

I hate borrowing, but I'm in a corner here. If you could help, or provide me with information I what I could do, I'd appreciate it.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I Got Fired

It's unfortunate to report that just a scant few days after telling you of my success in getting a cooking job did I get fired from it. It was an unreasonable measure, for I was given disorganized and sometimes contradictory instruction, and the boss became dissatisfied with my lower level of performance while at the same time abstaining from constructive criticism or helpful advice. In fact, he reprimanded me extremely seldomly before giving me the axe, so it was a rapid gesture with very little prior buildup. And here I was thought I was steadily improving, just not uniformly. I think I've pinpointed my cognitive errors in my performance, so it's a shame I'll just have to go employ the new learning somewhere else. (Though, I still have my other job.)

However, don't offer me sympathy or solice, as, unexpectedly, I'm very at peace with myself. There is not an ounce of demotivation in me, in fact. My grief lasted for only but an hour, after which I quickly recovered and reset my determination to get back in the game. The aspiration to get back into the cooking is unimpeded and set into my mind, and I'm not going to let some irrational with semi-deterministic views tell me my capacities are innate and that I should be doing unproductive prep for a hospital.

Regardless of the suffering and pain, the hardships that have resulted from losing my hotel job last year in December have actually been very intellectually beneficial. The combination of being broke, dealing with mounting and currently unpayable debts, and temporarily depressed have altered my routines in a way where I serendipitously stumbled on, perhaps, a much better way to live for long-term success.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Successes, Questions, Ponderings, Etc.

This blog has faltered, hasn't it? Well, some big things have been happening in my life, and the lack of routine has actually done some good for me, as focusing only on what's before me has sharpen up my faculties quite well.

The big news: Not only have I secured two jobs, but I'm also a cook in training as well! If you know my past difficulties, it's taken almost three years to reach this step. Up until then I've practically been stuck as a dishwasher, either unable to take advantage of opportunities or else passed up for them since I'm too valuable as a dishwasher, bosses determine. It makes it odd to reflect on my past misery in losing my dish washing position at a high-end hotel: I thought that meant starting over on the ladder again, and yet here I made the leap.

Mentally, however, it's kind of a flip-flop. I have to admit that I'm only gradually growing more enthused about my cooking job -- originally being numb at its reception -- because my month of unemployment has done severe financial damage, including to my credit rating. I live in an economically robust area, but that damn accent of mine probably sabotages a lot of opportunities for me. I've got to learn to concentrate only on what's important, not the accumulated problems, in order to actually get ahead, though it still stresses me out to think I'm spending a lot of time playing money catch-up before I can reach neutral and move forward.