Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Losing My Job: Quitting the Market and Creating My Own?

Well, it looks like a long talk is deserved. Due to bitter circumstances I lost my job . . . through my own fault, I openly admit . . . and remain unemployed after about fifteen days. In fact, I'm questioning if I even want another job, and am considering trying a hand at self-employment. Let's go through the specifics.

Anyhow, as for the actual job loss let's just say that the dish pit made me a little daffy. That last job in the hotel was definitely the toughest I've had in terms of dish washing, especially with a long commute, and combining a cold with the lack of time to myself through excess commute, I walked out in the midst of a shift due to turbulent stress. With how much injustice I dealt with in other restaurants I doubted my ability to advance, particularly as other bosses refused to give me deserved promotions, and the doubts were eating at my mind here.

It was not my intention to quit, but apparently, as I was notified, the rules by the ink in the book said I cannot resume my job, so it was out with me. I can reapply after a year, but it's unlikely life will line up that way by then. I was distraught for a few days, especially since many coworkers refused to maintain contact with me, even though my actions did not hurt them directly. Mm, so were the friendly manners a mere illusion? To lose so many human relationships in a day was extremely painful.

At this point, given all my previous experience, it may seem wiser for me to be self-employed, as there's hardly a future in menial labor, I'm learning. Good dishwashers for restaurants are a tragically rare resource, so a man unleashing his ambitions there to show just how serious he is about getting ahead will be terribly disappointed to find himself trapped. Plus, it's easy to swirl in negative emotions, since dishwashers oftentimes have the work the hardest amongst everyone, which means resentment and anger towards those earning more for less work, and dealing with the condescending attitudes of those who screech against doing your job for 15-30 minutes while they expect you to do it 10 hours a day 5 times a week. And to get culinary training during? You'll have to work a pace of sheer madness to keep way ahead to have the time for it! An extremely rough and under-appreciated job.

I did have a prospect in the next county at another hotel, but I quit on the first day since it looked like I'd be trapped again. The primary dishwasher was monstrously slow – the dishes were piled up in the worst way I've ever seen – and the other one worked only once a week, which means that, with my ability, I would have been their best instantly – and probably for a long time afterward, meaning being trapped without prospects for advancements. On top of it being an even tremendously LONGER commute, about two hours a day for 100 miles, the prospect wasn't worth it, especially since it was near-minimum wage. My finances might come out negative with all the driving.

But tsk. What other opportunities will I come into? Regardless of how bad the economy is, I think unemployment, at least in my area, is of mixed causes. Here, I think it's largely a matter of people refusing to work: Places are hiring all over. But for me, I suspect there's some weird prejudice against me, making me lose opportunities despite my experience and abilities.

I've been musing a lot lately on how I'm interpreted in presenting myself, and by and large I simply cannot understand why so many people take offense or relay adverse reactions to me. It's seems that no matter how politely I smile, speak, and interact, people get some kind of “off” reaction. God, why in hell? Is it because my hearing-impairment affects how I speak? Is it because my smile doesn't curve into a perfect half-moon? What? It's perplexing to encounter someone and see them get visibly anxious, disturbed, or even enraged and be clueless as to why.

I've starting posting some Youtube videos of myself to monitor my presentation, among other things, and still cannot see it. Some solicited advice tells me that I have an accent like a foreigner from an unidentifiable country – that hearing-impairment again – but most conveyed, too, that there seems to be no explicable reason as to why people get upset. Some have literally shook with rage at the sound of my voice, even as I spoke softly and politely.

That makes me pessimistic in being able to find another good job. Despite good experience and good abilities, there's that “X factor” that upsets people in interviews, and I'm damned to know why, but it's possibly getting my applications shredded. In examining my job history, I've noticed that most of the jobs I've gotten were WITHOUT interviews taking place, and often because the employer was so desperate for labor they hired me on the spot, or they felt sorry/pity for me and gave the job to me as charity. Out of the several I've had, I've only truly earned one job on merit. With that X factor in place, how likely is it for me to come across another?

Plus, in a rather difficult history it seems that my ambition will find few outlets. At my first job in Texas I actually got more and more abused the harder I worked, as the efforts stirred up envy wildly. They tried more and more to increase the weight of menial labor while taking away satisfying work, such as by making me do all the cleaning as a bartender while the bosses kept me on terrible shifts and stole drink orders away from me. They actually and literally wanted to prevent me from becoming competent at my job.

So, with the X factor, what's the likelihood of another good position based on merit? Would it not just be pity, randomness, or charity more likely? And in a place, what's the likelihood of not being trapped in menial labor, doing the bottom things no one else wants to do? Or of people actively trying to impede me, to prevent me from striving for greater things, even though I'm minding my own business and not trying to show them up? The omens and possibilities look terrible, I think.

Such is the stress that caught up with me and made me walk out on that job, unintentionally quitting. Laboring for years and years to no avail and with questionable prospects. The stress is maddening, though I'm not here to be a pessimist in spirit. Even with all the fine dining prospects it seems that the majority of employers are irrational in some way, or I'm doomed to irk people endlessly without ever knowing why. For weeks I've been depressed over this, in addition to feeling abandoned by previous friends at that workplace, and have been conducting a lukewarm job hunt since I can't figure whether my best will be rewarded or not, or if my best will outrageously offend people, or if factor X is damning me. At this point it seems like getting my marketplace value is a lost endeavor.

Or perhaps there's a way to play my strengths? I've been thinking about it, and more and more it seems to be an enticing prospect to be self-employed.

At the very least, self-employment would really cater to my introverted nature. Unemployment has been odd in that while my social skills and personality are entirely intact, my energy for dealing with people has really dipped. Talking to a banker for ten minutes nearly put me to sleep since the act of socializing was that exhausting. I'm friendly and likable, but in alone time I seem to perform my best. At least, my cognition is at its sharpest. If you left me on a mountain with a warm shack, internet, and a means to eat well I wouldn't miss anybody.

What would especially be good about self-employment is that it could be an opportunity for me to act upon certain ideas that I've been dying to try out, such as directing myself in costumer service in a specific way. My ideas and thinking blast whenever I see a faux pas in business, and immediately I go onto think what I would do in place, if I were in the position of influence. It particularly bothers me to see a boss or manager act in a counterproductive way, and to sit on ideas on what I think would be far better, only I'm unable to act upon them (or prevented from doing so in the case of that envious workplace mentioned). Being by myself would enable me to eliminate that barrier between me and the costumer and immediately act upon my ideas.

Would you, perhaps, enjoy seeing me write about greatness more often? In contemplating my strengths writing is surely a strong suit, and in the past I was an especially mad self-improver, always posting about my goals and measuring the results. It surprised me to learn that I actually moved some people into trying my endeavors off, such as doing math exercises or taking ice baths; they had been inspired by me. In observing the landscape, I've noticed that people have very often been receptive to inspiring sights, such as the artist who painted once a day, twice on weekends, and posted his progress, and kept to it so strictly that people watched him go from casual amateur to expert, even beginning to run his own art class. The ability of people to see painting by painting lead into mastery, literally be able to watch him blossom, got him tons of recognition since he was living proof you can improve your life.

In that framework, perhaps I might do well to become a mad self-improver, and once again to dissect the subject, only in a new light: How to become your personal greatest. I could set up autodidact goals, health goals, speaking goals, whatever; and then track them, analyze them, set principles, and whatever for the benefit of my readers, and make money through ads, associate programs, online tip jars, and so forth.

What do you think? Would you tip a fellow for telling you how to do your best in life, to become bar-none?

Though for me I recognized I'd probably have to do multiple ventures to make it all work. Perhaps I could do chocolate reviewing again. Perhaps a third blog on some other theme. Whatever. As long as if I were on my own, I think my full powers would be unleashed.

These could all be the gateway to higher endeavors too. Perhaps I would be able to afford a culinary education and get my foot in the door of a finer establishment. Perhaps I'd go mad (in a positive sense) on teaching myself charcuterie (French term for the production cured meats and sausages) and making jerky and pemmican. Perhaps it'd all lead into producing something to sell online, going from the guy who teaches you about greatness to the guy who also sells you pemmican on the side. Who knows?

All in all, I think it's a worthy try, as the masses dealing with me in person don't seem to want to reward me any time soon, angry at factor X or that I clean too well. If successful, it could very well be the gateway into the kind of life I want to live, immersed in good friends still and romance, but more happily alone, tending to my cultivation endlessly with the only concern of maximizing my life.

Would you guys care to offer your input?

For now . . . unless I can make a breakthrough somehow! . . . it seems that I may have to get a job in the short-term, but only for survival pay until I get something up and running, and boost my efforts from there. We'll see. All that matters is a life worth living.

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