Friday, February 10, 2012

Ahhhh Panic: Another Reason to Look Forward to Living Alone

Oh drat. I didn't write a post yesterday morning as promised, did I? Nor today. Drat. Alright, I confess: I had a minor panic attack, and it threw off the morning routine I resolved to maintain.

While it may be unorthodox to be this open about it, I do remind you that one of my new year's resolutions is to heal my emotional difficulties, born and suffered from the past. Despite however bad the world may be, I am my own worst obstacle, truly, so the most important focus of this year is to master my psyche, hence why I'm titling 2012 as the Year of Self-Mastery. If I can set myself up psychologically be to utterly a master of myself, to resist any petty temptation and be a vigorous upholder of healthy habits, then I should be able to endure and accomplish anything, and come much more closer to reaching that ideal vision of myself. Ah yes, I want to perfect myself, in succinct terms. But with my current psychological problems it's difficult. Yesterday I woke up slightly distressed, engaged in some negative dietary habits (i.e. eating too much sugar), and dawdled until the noon hours despite waking up bright and early. Oh this is out of line for the productive self I visualize my ideal person maintaining.

I confess all these difficulties as a way of exercising honesty, and to hopefully give you the courage to surmount your own problems. I offer no excuses for my own, so why would you yours? In my progress I shall lay out the means to achieve my end and try best I can to give food for thought.

What's strange in my endeavor is that the stumbling blocks along the way are very irregular and sometimes unpredictable. In controlling my bipolar mood swings, for instance, I've been superbly successful and have mitigated them to the point where they're almost nonexistent. In keeping up a regular productive routine, however, I am often thrown askew with these little anxious panic attacks I have. Nuts.

By and large I view this as most likely a problem occurring from my present living situation, as I don't move into my new apartment until the 1st of March. I know I rag on my landlord a lot, but oooh I detest her! Her irresponsibility is intrusive, immoral, and borderline illegal, and I've noticed that I've adopted some of the habits I unfortunately nurtured in Michigan. It becomes flusteringly tense when we happen to be in a room together; I hide in my room a lot to avoid her, especially since her routine is totally unpredictable (sometimes she wakes up at dawn, sometimes at 2 PM; there's absolutely no regularity); and am sloppy in many of my habits since I care so little about this household and general environment: I just want out, and then I'll worry about being totally responsible on the housekeeping front.

Slightly irrational perhaps, but the temptation is almost irresistible. The primary problem here is that her evasive nature, like with many other bad people I've had to deal with, makes it so that none of the flagrant problems in our relationship get resolved, so as a result the problems simply pile and pile, making me detest her more and more. As testament and proof of her evasion, she has literally had a dozen diabetic emergencies, maybe more than that, in which either she has had to quickly consume food to normalize herself or have the ambulance called. This is inexcusable given that she knows how to prevent these episodes and knows how to respond when she starts showing symptoms, and yet refuses or procrastinates on doing so, which is why I tend to state she's in danger of dying daily. Her bad habits here force me to take care of her, which is an unjust burden for me to bear. Her irresponsibility continues on into other areas of her life, such as her dishonest refusal to pay the bills properly, which results in things such as late utility payments while she's still engaging in excess such as her frivolous television hookup and drinking habits (as per her alcoholism).

When you hate living with a person so intensely and yet are restrained from being able to get away from them effectively and efficiently, and you can't work out any of your problems with them, it hinders your mind. Instead of focusing on pursuing the positive you focus on avoiding the negative, which, in this circumstance, is about all you can do for the time being. For instance, instead of cooking a lavish and nutritious meal, my main inclination is to make something quick that can be consumed even quicker, as in the past hearing noise in the kitchen would cause my landlord to come and interact with whoever is there, regardless of how strongly our mannerism indicate we'd like otherwise.

anyone's interfere, I maintained my habits strictly and was immensely cleanly, and dropped all my practices whenever undue and unpreventable interference was present, such a living with a person who makes messes without cleaning them up. By gosh you could say I was practically born an adult and was always ready for self-responsibility, and that it's a shame I couldn't have lived by myself when I was ten-years-old.

I anticipate the same refreshment of character in living by myself in March. I won't feel tempted to hide in my room and delay meals because I hear buggersome people in the kitchen. I'll take an absurd relish in vacuuming, mopping, and dusting because I know the environment in under my control, and that I won't have my efforts undone by any slobs who have no cleanly habits of their own. And infinitely on. God, I might be able to endure watching the apocalypse outside my window so long as it's my own window. Living with terrible people is horrendous, and really brings the whole of your psychology down.

But until March I will continue in struggling to improve myself, for while I know there's a lot of negative pressure here I'm not going to resign to it for this final month and simply wait for the apartment move-in. Oh, I'll definitely work to advance myself in whatever way I can, as life is finite and should be enjoyed to the max regardless of circumstance. And so I'll keep working to continue trying to get an article out each morning, to see if it will work as a wakeup routine.

During the prime of the Occupy Wall Street protests I heard someone claim that all housing should be public. I take it as a corollary that this would entail that people could be forced to live together despite contrary desire. In reply, someone said that this would be a recipe for hell on earth.

Oh yes, it would be. I speculate the murder rate would skyrocket.    

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